26 February 2011

Crispy Marriage

Over the years, several newlywed couples have approached me with the same question: "Nathan, we're so happy and comfortable with each other. How can we burn our marriage to such a degree of crispness that Hiroshima at Ground Zero will seem like a slightly over-powered tanning salon?"

Fortunately, this is not as difficult to achieve as you might imagine. I have personally used the following recipe on numerous occasions, with great success, to produce a perfectly-burnt marriage, to which my wife can readily attest. In my experience, following these simple steps will go a long way toward burning your marriage to a crisp. Good luck, and bon app├ętit!


5 c. memory (sticky)
1 oz. expectations (unrealistic and unexpressed)
1 pkg. spousal failure
2 T. pride
1 oz. Hollywood romances (optional)
3 c. silence
Sprig of blind self-righteousness


1. Prepare a sticky memory and set aside.

2. Combine expectations with spousal failure in a large bowl. Beat vigorously for several weeks until a tar-like consistency is achieved.

3. Add pride and continue to beat. Without pride, mixture may lose consistency due to the tendency of humility to shrink both expectations and spousal failure.

4. Stir in sticky memory and let sit in a dark, hidden place until desired taste of bitterness is achieved. If you wish, add Hollywood romances to enhance the flavor of disappointment.

5. Knead dough into a ball and coat with silence until the original ingredients are invisible. Outbursts may be substituted for silence, as long as they are unrelated to the main ingredients and direct attention away from the underlying mixture. Note: avoid open communication as this will expose ball to direct sunlight and may cause it to collapse.

6. Return mixture to a hidden place for as long as desired. The longer it's hidden, the more bitter the taste.

7. Serve with a garnish of blind self-righteousness at an opportune time, preferably upon the commitment of a spousal infraction so slight that the service of your mixture seems completely unwarranted. This will likely cause a defensive reaction from your spouse which will fortify the flavor of your self-righteous garnish.

8. When the meal is complete, do not dispose of the leftovers. Bury them in a dank hole and allow to fester. Dig up and combine with new ingredients at the next opportunity.


Mark Loftus said...

Nice. Last post from May, 2009. Nice to see you take enough time to do a good job!

David Kjos said...

"Mr. McCandles ... I thought you was dead."

NEB said...

"Not hardly."

Factor M said...