09 March 2011

The Wallet to Entitlement Ratio

In the course of my many jobs, I've noted an intriguing mathematico-sociological phenomenon which I've dubbed The Wallet to Entitlement Ratio. Write this down, because it'll soon be textbook material in graduate-level sociology classes.

This ratio purports to predict any given customer's attitude relative to the service he expects from you, whether you work as a Starbucks barrista or a high-level investment advisor. Careful application of this ratio will allow you to tailor your approach to your customer. Not that it'll keep you out of trouble, but at least you'll know why you're in it.

Begin by covertly checking the size of your customer's wallet. (Note: It is not recommended that you actually handle your customer's physical wallet, as he or she is not likely to understand the scientific motives which drive your actions.) This will allow you to predict how far backward your customer will expect you bend.

The larger your customer's wallet, the greater the sense of entitlement he or she is likely to possess. After all, they've either worked hard within society's rules, or else they're darn good at manipulating the rules to their benefit. Either way, they know how to make the machine work, and they expect you (as a part of that machine) to work to their greatest advantage. Woe betide the lowly cog whose subversive grinding brings the machine to a halt!

Conversely, the smaller your customer's wallet, the lower the sense of entitlement he or she is likely to possess. Whether by birth or circumstance, this person is less skilled at operating the machinery to personal benefit (or, perhaps, has priorities at cross-purposes to making it all work out for Number One). Therefore, the smaller-walleted are less expectant that you're going to work all night to keep them happy. The rest of the machine doesn't, so why should you?

However, an intriguing phenomenon happens as the size of the wallet shrinks. At a certain point, expectations actually begin to rise in inverse proportion to the size of the wallet! The thinness of your customer's wallet begins to bother her. The system works so poorly for her that she begins to suspect the machine was unfairly built to crush her ambitions. And the smaller that wallet gets, the more convinced your customer becomes that the machine is to blame. Now, as a part of that cruel and unjust machine, you exist to be circumvented and subverted so your customer can secure what the system has unfairly denied her. Eventually, thievery and all manner of ill-doing is justified because your customer feels the system owes her; in other words, she now feels just as entitled to everything you've got as the guy with the fat wallet.

On the one hand, you've got the filthy rich who are stunned you don't exist to fulfill their wildest dreams; and on the other hand, you've got the desperately poor who are convinced part of your pie rightfully belongs to them anyway. And in the middle are the nice customers, the ones who aren't that poor or that rich, and consequently don't feel the world owes them a living.*

Observe this mathematical fact, graphed so scientifically that it must be true:


Observing this simple mathematical ratio will allow you to stay on your toes when you deal with your customers. In short, I have provided the definitive mathematical proof for Proverbs 30:8-9:
Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.
_______

*Of course, there are always the rich and the poor who are actually pleasant to deal with, and the middlers who are real pains. In scientific circles, we call these people "outliers," which is a term for a collection of data points which don't fit our theory so we'll stick them a box and shove it in a forgotten corner of the dustiest warehouse where they can be safely ignored.

26 February 2011

Crispy Marriage

Over the years, several newlywed couples have approached me with the same question: "Nathan, we're so happy and comfortable with each other. How can we burn our marriage to such a degree of crispness that Hiroshima at Ground Zero will seem like a slightly over-powered tanning salon?"

Fortunately, this is not as difficult to achieve as you might imagine. I have personally used the following recipe on numerous occasions, with great success, to produce a perfectly-burnt marriage, to which my wife can readily attest. In my experience, following these simple steps will go a long way toward burning your marriage to a crisp. Good luck, and bon appétit!

Ingredients

5 c. memory (sticky)
1 oz. expectations (unrealistic and unexpressed)
1 pkg. spousal failure
2 T. pride
1 oz. Hollywood romances (optional)
3 c. silence
Sprig of blind self-righteousness

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1. Prepare a sticky memory and set aside.

2. Combine expectations with spousal failure in a large bowl. Beat vigorously for several weeks until a tar-like consistency is achieved.

3. Add pride and continue to beat. Without pride, mixture may lose consistency due to the tendency of humility to shrink both expectations and spousal failure.

4. Stir in sticky memory and let sit in a dark, hidden place until desired taste of bitterness is achieved. If you wish, add Hollywood romances to enhance the flavor of disappointment.

5. Knead dough into a ball and coat with silence until the original ingredients are invisible. Outbursts may be substituted for silence, as long as they are unrelated to the main ingredients and direct attention away from the underlying mixture. Note: avoid open communication as this will expose ball to direct sunlight and may cause it to collapse.

6. Return mixture to a hidden place for as long as desired. The longer it's hidden, the more bitter the taste.

7. Serve with a garnish of blind self-righteousness at an opportune time, preferably upon the commitment of a spousal infraction so slight that the service of your mixture seems completely unwarranted. This will likely cause a defensive reaction from your spouse which will fortify the flavor of your self-righteous garnish.

8. When the meal is complete, do not dispose of the leftovers. Bury them in a dank hole and allow to fester. Dig up and combine with new ingredients at the next opportunity.